October 7th, 2006; 4:35 am

It has been almost a year, and here I am, once again NOT sleeping when I should be…

I don’t know why the thoughts come only at night.  Perhaps it’s the silence, or the emptiness, or the dark.  You would think, I would be most comfortable here; in the night, but maybe that’s the problem.  Maybe this is the only time I am comfortable enough to ask these questions or admit these things; who knows?  Then again, maybe I am just a masochist, whom deprives himself of sleep subconsciously on purpose.  Not sure it matters why I don’t sleep, or why these thoughts and nightmares come only in the darkest hours of early morning; not sure it really matters anyway…

I know what you’re thinking: “What the Hell is he talking about?!”

Well, it really starts about a month ago…

Well no, that’s incorrect; it really started long before that, but it was about a month ago (maybe more; can’t tell for sure ’cause I have no sense of time) that I came home one day and felt particularly lonely.  So, I sent a text to a few friends whom I hadn’t seen in a while, just to say, “Hello,” and see how they were doing.  Only, my text ended up saying this:

Can anyone ever get back what they’ve lost?  and if’n they do, what is the cost?  Does anyone out there know what it means, when somebody’s nightmares are better than dreams?

It was as if my mind fell dead and my soul did the talking; and I was fairly uncomfortable with what it had to say.  Since then, I can’t stop thinking about it and wondering how fucking crazy I really am.  This process has been slow, and for whatever reason, it is tonight that the really hard questions finally surfaced and demanded to be noticed.  Somehow I wander this maze day in and day out; never closer to my goal.  Only finding dead ends, guarded by by questions that may never be answered.  The weird thing is, that’s not what’s bothering me…

What bothers me is that I am not sure that the answers will help.

Who AM I?!  Who do I want to be?  Where am I going, and once I get there, will I be happy?

My wounded soul has healed, and yet, I’m left scarred; damaged; broken.  Can I be fixed?

Long ago I became a monster; can I ever become a man again?

Or am I damned?

A wolf sentenced to an eternity in sheep’s clothing.  A new age Pinocchio who, for a moment, thought he was real when he escaped his strings; only to discover that he was still hollow.  Stuck somewhere between being inanimate and alive…

Well, I’ve run out of wishes and Prayers; I’ve run out of hopes and fears; the best I can do now is one more night without tears…